LBG

Little Baby G was playing at Heaven’s lawn with her little other friends. Not too far from their playing ground she saw a faint ant line slightly across the horizon. Curious as her nature she went over. There she saw a line of babies just like her, lining up at the Heaven’s Edge. Everyone was smiling. At the very front, was St John, calling each babies names. Each time he does that, one baby walks up and to him and St John will say, “Now, now, be a good boy/girl ya? Be good to your mummy and daddy. God bless.” And the baby will disappear into the fog behind St John.

Now, Little Baby G got more curious. She wants to know where all these babies will go. And who is this “mummy” and “datty” that St John mentioned? Curious, curious. She went over to St John and asked, “Where are all my friends are going, St John?”

St John, who was rather busy, did not hear her little voice. Again, she said, a little louder this time, “St John, can you tell me where are my friends going?”

This time St John heard her and turned to her and said, “Oh my dear, you still too little. Now run along, your time shall come and you will know soon.”

Little Baby G did not want to go, but she knows she can’t be disturbing the Sts went they are at work. So, she went away.

Walking with her head down, as she did not get her answers to her curiosity. She sat by the Heavenly Tree, where its leaves are as white as clouds and the fruits it bears were bright as gold.

Jesus who was strolling thru Heaven’s Path, saw Little Baby G sitting at the Tree. Seeing her trouble big eyes, made him wonder. Over to her He walked and sat next to her little body. He asked, “Hello baby G, why are you here alone? Why are you not playing with your friends?”

Surprised by His presence, she startled. “Oh its You, My Lord! Em, I am just thinking, that’s all.”

“Surely something is troubling you. Let me know, see whether I could help.” Jesus said.

“Okay,” she smiled and told him everything she saw and heard at the Heaven’s Edge.

Upon hearing her story, Jesus laughed and said, “Oh my child, they are going to a place call “Earth”. “Mummy” and “Daddy” will be their parents. These people are there to love you and care for you”

“But I thought, You cared for us, Lord? You loved us right? Why do we need them? And “earth” you say, is it better than Heaven?

Jesus smiled and said, “My child, of course I love you. But once you are on earth, your parents will love you as much as I do. They will care for you as much as I will for you. They are “me” when you are at earth, a place that I cannot be for now. Earth, well technically specking is an interesting place, but no one resides there permanently. You will have to come back here someday; and you my dearest, will learn everything and experienced everything on earth with your lovely parents.”

“And this “Mummy” is she a nice person?”

“Yes, my child, she is the one person on earth who will love you more than anyone. She will do everything in her will and strength to protect you and care for you. She would be the one who will carry your pain and kissed your tears away when you are sad. She is one of God’s greatest gifts on earth. One who would die for you as I have done for all of you. To her, you will be the first thing she thinks of at the sunbeam, and you would be her last dream before the night ends. She will love you with all her heart and soul. At times, I would dare say she loves her child more than God. And that my child, is who you would call “Mummy”.”

This “datty”, is he nice person too?

“Oh yes, he will be your fort of strength. He will adore you and loved you so much, but he may not say it often. His hands are used to hold you up, and to carry you through good and bad times. He will be the one who protects you from all the bad things and pray God, he is mighty to keep you safe from harm. He is the shoulder you will lie on and he is the hand who will give you away, but still keep you close to his heart.”

Does “datty” like to play?”

“Yes he does, and he is the happiest whilst with you,” Jesus said with a smile.

“Like that huh, hmmm? Sounds great! Now I can’t wait for my turn to see my parents,” Little Baby G said with excited tone.

“Don’t worry my child your time will come. But you too have to love and honor your parents,” Jesus said.

“Yes my Lord, I will. As much as they will love me, so shall I love them and honor them like I do for you.”

He smiled and carried her on to his lap, and kissed her gently on her hair.

A few months later, Jesus was visiting St Paul at the Pearly Gates. At noon, He made his way after a long chat with St Paul. At the end of Pearly Gates, He heard a whimper, at the Gates. He looked around and saw this little body sitting at the line where people are waiting for St Paul to call upon. He realized the little body was shaking uncontrollably. As He gets closer he saw that this little thing has a blacken and charred body. Disfigured by sharp objects, he knew at the look of the scars surfaced on every inch of that little soul. What’s worst is that her beautiful brown eyes, were filled with sorrow and pain. It was then, He began to gauge familiarity in that look of that brown eyes.

That little poor baby turned her head to look, and saw Jesus. She cried and wailed so loudly. She ran over to Him and He picked her up in His arms and kissed her, hoping to kiss her pain away. In His arms, he knew she would be safe.

Jesus said, “Its okay Little Baby G, it’s okay. You be safe now.”

Jesus’ tears ran deeply as he held her close to His chest. He felt her shattered hope and He recognized that betrayal for even He knew that He cannot control humanity.

I Hate to Say This, But....

My bf and I had dinner today at "Papa John's" a new pizzeria in Times Square. Not too bad i would say. Service was commendable. I brought a question up to my bf, out of randomness; and asked him about what he thinks of me after a almost 1 year relationship. He listed a few sets of my good and bad habits. It was a cruel fact that I found out today that got me thinking hard.

He told me a few things that weren't nice to hear. But when I put two to two together, it made so much sense that now I see why my relationship has not progressed as expected. Partly it was my fault, ( though he made it sound it was all mine, isk!) But that brought me a mile further in thoughts as to whether this relationship will survive or not when the going gets rough? For starters, he said that I was a clumsy, hasty, noisy, self centered (as in when I talk, it will always be about myself) and very stubborn person. I have selective listening and I jump to conclusion very fast. I snapped easily as I am emotion driven. And my compassion and self sacrifice knows no boundaries, to the extend I will then made other ppl suffer even though what I intended was a good deed in the begining. Althouh I am highly charitable person, and I am very sweet in nature but the truth is I am very sensitive to words and I quickly get defensive over what ppl say. I defined as fickled minded and gets him annoyed with all the things I do.

Ouch! It hurts. He knew me too well, I suppose so. Am I alll that? I have to admit that I do all the above at random time. Unintentional I think; but i didnt know I was being judged and watched like this. He even say that because I have been so noisy, at times he just tune out when I was talking. Cos everything I say or he says- eventually it will be about me. He made that point when he asked me the same question about what I think about him after a year of relationship. I don't know how it happen, it sounded like I still was talking about myself. So duh la, I know all these while I was NOT, I repeat NOT that perfect, but I didn't know I was such a nuisance to my bf.

How do I feel about all this? It sucks and its worrying cos I don'tknow how long he can tolerate. I don't know how long I will try to please him. I really don't know how long we will last. I know I have to make certain adjustments in my personal shortcomings, but I doubt I can do all. If I do, then it will look like I was just compromising myself to make him happy. I don't mind actually, if its for the benefit of all. Honestly, thinking of all the bad habits I have, I suddenly thought how lucky I was to get away with all that throughout my life and still have ppl around me who still cared and loved me. With all that habits, I think I even find myself annoying and I don't think I should be alive!

Yea I don't deserve to live at all... Why bother being alive and yet a nuisance to the one you loved most? Like he says, "It undoes what the good things you wanted to do, when your habits surfaced." I went home counting my misery, and began to wonder, why he never call it off, when he had the chance. Sometimes, the reasons he gave was absurd. He said, or rather he posed me a question to my question e.g. " Would you be able to handle it?" I know I am a sucker in romance, and that I break easy. But if things have to happen, then it will happen. Most of the times he said we survived because of dumb luck and the timing was impeccably right. We would be fighting and the next thing, you know we will be fine, because something cropped up and force us to patch things back. We were lucky in that sense.

Really? Was it purely luck? Did your feelings for me held any weight in your decision to stay in this relationship? Am I so not important that you can give me up but because you afraid that I was too frail to hold up in the healing time, you rather stay on instead? That felt so sad.... I really wish the first thing he would say is that he loves me; that I complete him; that is why he stayed. That is why he is still here today. I have not once but many times, asked him the same question, that "If we are so different, why are you still here?" His usual answer would be "timing" or he would posed another question to me like "Would you like me to go now?"- Silence was my usual answer. I was beyond dissapointed. I wish he said those magic words with more vyndication.

The other day, he asked me what was my favourite color, and my favourite food? I remember telling him before. He rationed that because I talked so much, he cant remember half the things I said. I was dumbfound at that point. I was embarrased and obviously hurt, and started rambling some some colours that I like. Then he concluded in that spec of moment that I was just a fickled minded girl who doesnt know what she really like. If he only knew that I didnt want to go on talking long because he won't remember it anyway. Will he still stay intune when I say my favourite colors are black but not all shades of black; only satin or pearl black and silver but all silver I would like; only platinum silver or silverish grey. I also like red, but not all red just strikin blood red or maple red. My daily kua colours are blue and green. But not any blue that i like and so was the green. I look good in midnight blue and regal blue and my favourite shades of green are army/forest green and aqua green. Brown would stay as my safe color; I wear them often enough but can't list it as the top favourite. What brown I like to wear? Only coffee brown and matte brown. Will he keep that long of a attention if I actually say all that? I doubt...

I can't help to ponder when he said earlier, that I would not know him much as I was engrossed in myself more than the time I actually took to know him. I know at times I can be full of myself, but tat does not amount that I don't know him well. I got a hunch that he was partially amused by the fact no one understands him. One thing has got me thinking, was it also because he never allow anyone to be close to his heart?
I really don't know what to think now. I am afraid. I sensed that our end may be near and neither of us has the gut to say it because of fear. I always got a feeling that he never invested a hundred percent of his heart in me. Maybe his past has got him jaded. But I cant say it for myself either. Because I am but only human. Fear at times are overwhelming and they can eat you up. At times, it will blind you and you may never see the light to the truth unless you break away. And to do that, again, you must have faith in yourself.
I do love him, very much that it hurts. But I realised that we are not doing our best in making it livelier. Rather we are just making it more bearable for each other. Is that what love suppose to be? Just bearable? I really don't mind if tomorrow he says he wants to do bungy jumping up at the skybridge and I would do it with him. As long as he is willing to join me in this escapade of feelings. I would do anything, I tell you!
Let it all down and let our hearts rule our heads for once. I want to know whether am I the ONE and that we can lead a wholesome life now that we have found each other? Will that be possible? I saw it in his eyes, right before we say goodbye tonite, when asked whether I was the ONE, they were a pair of troubled eyes. I knew it then, I have not won his heart. I don't know will I ever have that chance....

Darling,

It's so hard for me to capture and change the habits you said to me today. I realised I been a big dissapointment to myself and to the ppl I loved. I am so embarrased that my shortcomings has got you annoyed yet you stayed on. I know its wearing you out too. If it is too hard, I just let you know that the door is open and you are free to go as you like. I am not the best and I do feel that you deserve better sometimes. I been very lucky you now, up till now you are the best thing that have happened to me in terms of emotional feelings. I finally found something that I never though I would come to experience. I love the fact you cared for me in a way not anyone in my family could do. You been honest and you respected me throughout the relationship. I found a newer and happier person in me after you came along. Overwhelmed by your presence and love. You changed my perspective about life and love, so simple yet so fulfilling. You are the reason why I am working extra harder and doing so much better in life. It was because of you that I could overcome my fears and doubts about myself. Now I am whole. And it's all because you trust and believe in me. Most of all because you loved me.
But am I the love of your life? Do I make your heart beat like crazy and excite you everytime we touch? I don't know. Maybe I syok sendiri about you.
Initially, I hope to help you to find your true colours and dreams. I want you to be motivated and sprinkle yourself with optimism because there is so much opportunities in life for you but you don't seem to see it all. Now I find myself a burden to you because you cannot gel with my momentum, what more my shortcomings. I lay the decision in your hands. But don't fear, I be still living after this. I would still love you, always have and always will.

Love you,
Rachel

2009, What lies therein for me?

Well, it's another year. I am one year older and hopefully a year of maturity has set in. 2008 has been wonderful, I learned, loved, hated, remorse over things that I should n't have done, and most all I gone thru' the year with people I love and and I hope to learn from them as 2009 takes its place.

I pen down a few resolutions. Unlike last year, I blew my resolution on the first day on 2008. "No meat" I told myself for the year, trying out a vegan diet I told myself- I had KFC and Hawaiian Chicken flavour pizza the on the 1st and 2nd respectively. hehehehe, not much of a vegan material am i? :p

Well this year I am going to have realistic. Something achievable yet it doesnt mean I can achieve without moving my ass towards it.

For starters, my first few are my personal matters,

1. I want to start putting away savings for myself (The 10-10 rule)
2. Put away my CCs and use cash instead.
3. Start monitoring my spending and budget consistently.
4. Be more effective in my work (i.e stop procracination, exactly what I am doing now, blogging instead of studying- well its only the 4th day...)

For personal achievements:

1. Hit my 4+1 M target
2. Score 2Bs for my Part 1

For personal interest:

1. I want to go to Bangkok for a holiday
2. I want to be nicer to my families and ppl that i love ( yes you darling, my hunky punk, you know I love you.. muah muah muah!!!..), ehem! And I'll try to find new meaning in my relationship with the ppl around me ( If you only knew how mess up I was then!)
3. I want to pick up new skills or do an upgrade to my existing one. (i.e pick up musical courses or go for JLPT examinations or do an Intermediate Sign Language course)

I know resolutions are useless without execution and executions are usually easier said than done. I have also list done what are the ways to do it. But ultimately I need my willpower to stay on track of things. I bet you realised that this year (for those who known me well), "Losing Weight" is no longer a resolution for me. Funny how it seem to be first in my list every other year. It's not that I have given up on my body, but rather I find losing weight, if its gonna be a thing every year on my resolution list, mite as well make it a chore and do it on a daily basis. You don't need a resolution to remind you about it. You know you wanted to lose weight, so just do it like doing your laundry or bathing... That way I won't feel pressure to lose em' weight (cos' I have too anyway) and my list is more focus.

So now I am writing down how am I gonna get my resolutions executed. It's gonna be a long nite... However, I believe it's gonna be worthwhile. Well, if i keep to it la...

Till then, I just do what I can as time goes by and I will see whether I progress or not.

Please enjoy thevideo below. Something tells me, I really NEED Him to take my wheels this year. And all of the ppl in His Kingdom say.... "Amen"

A Day Out with My Corazon(s)

I had a blast yesterday at KLCC and Sunway Pyramid, J-Co-ing and watched BH Chihuahua with my sis, Rowena and my bf. It was the first time Fluffy met my sis, a lil awkward initially when my sis was awfully quiet. But after awhile, kids being kids they just open up to people when they are really nice to them I guess its a green light for Fluffy with Rowena then!

Sunnier Day

I finally had a big row with mum last week. It was the first ever fight in which i actually fought back, violently… I am not proud of it actually nothing great fighting with your own mother who is half your height and yet all these years I harbour the pain and sorrow of her nagging and breathing down my neck. I have to do what I have to that day. Though it was unintentional, my pain has brought me to do things I have never thought I would. I went out one nite telling her I was watching movie, sponsored by my fren’s parents. The truth is that I just wanted to go out for a social networking activity with my gfs and Fluffy came along as well. That nite I had a gathering where all girls dressed up as any of the four girls in Sex and the City The Movie. I didnt have time to dressed up but was happy to be there with the whole new group of ppl. (I already had “Mr. Big” don’t I) After the movie the girls and I had complimentary drinks at Bar 21. My first time out in the nite and into a club/pub. Honestly it was nothing great to shout about I cant dance because it was packed, I cant really talk because the music was loud and though we stayed till 2am, we only chatted throughout the nite. Of course after a while, my mum started calling 10 times in a row. She started yelling and cursing me over the phone and calling me names like ” I am an ungrateful bitch” and “I been lying to” and so forth so forth….

That nite (thanks to the martini) I actually answered my mum back in such I never thought I would ever do. i challenge her principles and her as my mum, telling her how lousy she is at her tutelage that she cannot trust about what she has educated. I got into a row with her on the middle of Jln Bukit Bintang, it went on so loud that fluffy had to take over the phone and calm her while my gfs iced me down.

At 3am upon reaching home, she was all geared for war and i had no choice but to retaliate thru dawn. I never seen mum and I ever fallen into such massive fight. It lasted till 6 am in the morning until I pretended to go and sleep and ignored her completely. Late in the morning, she started thrashing me all over again and this went till 3pm in the afternoon. I cried so hard and I told her that she and her fat ass can kiss respect goodbye if she is going on like this. I even blurted all the things my aunts and uncles commented about her belligent and wilful attitude. My mum, though most of her actions are noble but her gesture is harsh and she is unwilling to accept anyone’s opinions. The family are mostly frighten of her feisty character, so much so they would do anything to not get into fight with her. She knows too much and she too apt. My mum is one person I would characterised as almost near God as she had never made mistake( not that I could think of one) and she is always the resourceful one in the family. No matter what they claim her to be, in every family matters, she will be the one solving it. No matter what we do or say, her actions always speak louder than words. She is loud because she is the type that will never allow her conscience to eat her up because she always does the right thing. Always Ms Right, always Ms Perfecto. But as she grows older she tend to forget everyone is different, even her own flesh and blood.

No matter what I do, I can never gain respect from her. I can never get compliments because she thinks I am a mediocre player in my actions nor i am valued for my achievements. To her, I can never reach her mission as a perfect daughter. No matter how I hard strive, proving my excellence in my studies and work, nothing amazes her. Nothing compelled her. As though I can never be good enough. Her tough love has gotten into me till a point I kept telling myself I can never fail no matter what I do, I can never fail. My mum expects a world of me. I will be the one who will fulfil her legacy and her dreams. I will reflect everything she was and hoped to be. I never seek to understand what she really want of me though. To her to be a successful person, you have to be a master in all areas in life. You have to have great achievements, astounding characteristics, outstanding personality and a excellent sense of work and social ethics. And that woman shows no mercy. Gosh, at times I rather be sent to military school!

But all said and done, most of her teachings had brought great value to me. Mum being mum, she has been right. (At times,yes) But it was until recently I realised I could not take it anymore. Her method of approach was constant nagging, belittling and at times, she swears at me. She tend gave me the rotten talk about how girls like me tend to sway out of our mission once we have bf. She never liked the idea of me having fluffy in my life(note that he is the best thing that ever happen to me apart from losing 25 kilos). To her, I am just wasting my precious moments in life away for such unnecessary “activity”. To her I should be striving harder to excel in my studies and at my work place. To her, love is the game for the fools.

Honestly I can’t think of anymore I could do. Exp: When she came with me to collect my intermediate results last year she was appalled the fact I got 3B and 1C! But for a part timer I think I did pretty ok (dont you think?) . All she said to me was, “If only you could study harder, you may have gotten all Bs instead” To her, that was compliment. And to add salt to the wound, she later claimed I have not been studying as hard as I suppose too. Gosh if only she knew the nites of i spent, staying up late at nite and doing my readings and answering those questions. If only she knew how much importance I have about my studies and that I even I had nitemares for days about my exams. Gosh I am so close to breaking down at that point. Even then I was suppose to still go to work everyday until the week before my exams! I was dying inside but I have no will to fight against what my life has gotten into.

But it all ended that day of WW3. I blurted all the things a daughter should have not said, morally because its wrong and disrecpectful to bring down your own parents, but in this matter if ever God is gonna persecute me, I definitely have a valid argument. That day was grusome. I cried and told her how bad she shadowed my life so dark, that I no longer feel humane. I was controlled and oppressed. Amongst my frens i gain more sympathy than the children in the orphanage. And on top of that I no longer see her as mum whom I once adored for her intelligence and caring heart. Now its only fear. It went on so bad that my dad in that evening told me that if i cant resolve this matter with her, I should leave the house and give them some peace. In our family when one kena hantam from my mother the rest will also kena kau-kau. I think even dad have enough of that fight.

After what that seems like eternity, the day after, she started talking to me. Though I still pretend to be uninterested in her, I know it was her way of saying sorry. She was extremely nice to me, no longer cursing and she tone down her moodswings eversince. While I in return, no longer lie to her about my whereabouts and slowly, though unspoken, we are both knew that we are trying to win back each others trust and love.

This was a story 5 weeks ago. And my mum had not scream nor thrown any form of cuses or accusations at me since.

When my Part 1 results came out two weeks back, I actually failed my papers. For once I actually failed my test in my life.The first test I ever failed(Isnt it glorius? I am actually human!!) though I failed only one and gotten a considerable well deserved marks for the rest. That one paper caused all the failure. I dread to go home that nite with that results but something in me was peaceful and I knw the past will never haunt me again. True enough when I got home, mum was silent, though i could see that she was upset but she did not comment on anything. The only hard part of failing an exam is to retake them all over again. But this time I have to rely on my own for all the expenses needed as my study loan now had been froze because I failed. This year I foresee a hard and tiring year as iknow I will be moonlighting for the extra cash for the entire semester. And when I told mum of my plan about getting a part time job to supplement my study fees, she said that she will help me to get thru this. That to me sounded like “Rachel, I love you and I will always be here for you”

That, was all I ever wished for in which I never thought i would hear.

This time around I know my life will change. I know it now things will be different. It definitely be a sunnier day! I just know it will!

The Little Things

Just the evening after his exam, F and I decided to meet at Midvalley. I expect nothing more from a grouchy guy who just had the toughest exam of his life, and it was his favourite. He told me that the exam was a tough one, and upon hearing it I knew it will spoil our evening together. But I was determine to make the best of situation and I was planning to cheer him up. I got away at 6.30 and headed straight to MV, despite the bad traffic I manage to get there in half and hour. Happy that I made it, I waited for his arrival, for he said he needed to get something. Not too long in waiting, he appeared, giving me a cold kiss on the lips. I tried to be at my bubliest mood. But he was not responsive. Then we make our way to the car park because he wants to leave his bag in my car instead. As we walked I realised he was holding a bag. I attempted to look at it and at the same time asking him what it was. He didn’t want to tell me. Told me it was none of mine business. In his dreadful mood I decided to take it slow on the funny prank I would normally do in my normal day and I didn’t want to spoil the date. (as I was prone to do that unintentionally most of the time)

As we made our way to the car park, straying around looking for my car cos I can’t remember where I park it :P, we sort of split in different direction to look around the area. As I turned to look at him, I realised in that bag it was something familiar as though I seen it somewhere. A lil harder glance, I already could make outr what it was. It was a PIG!!!!

Oh my oh my, F bought me a fluff toy. The one I was eyeing on since a few months ago. It was a huge pink pig. (hehe, i like cute pigs) I never want to buy it because I was short of cash or at that point I knew it was not a good investment. F knew how much I adore it. Spoken of it ge-zillion times each time we past the stall. I never thought he would get it for me as he was always the thrifty one with the money. Fluff toys are not part of his dictionary as good gifts as they deemed useless and it is a waste of money. He never failed to show me how he dislikes soft toys. But he bought it. He just got his first pay, he splurge on that huge pink piggy for me….I was screaming “OMG, is that what I thought it is, dear? He looked at me and smiled and said “Darling you ruined the surprise, I wanted to put it in your car without you realising it.” We both laughed. It was the sweetest thing I have ever imagine him doing. It’s not a special occassion (we are not Halloweeners so Halloween don’t count) and he bought me something out of the blue. Usually he would reprimand me if I do such things like buying him stuff on a random day. Though it’s sweet, but he was always upset because I had to spend money on him. Now, he is the one who is doing it for me. For a person who is not accustom to do such romantic stunts, makes him more adorable when he does it. :)
And when asked why, he said ” Well, I was unhappy with my exams, and to cheer myself up, I decided to make you happy; and that is when I become happy”. That line is engraved word by word in my head, over and over and over. I was too happy for thoughts! If it weren’t for the crowd in MV, I would have grabbed him hard and kiss him like I have never kissed before. Hehe!!!

I don’t know how to react at that moment. I just kept saying “You are sweet” and “thank you” to him. But I was extremely elated. It was my one of my unrealistic dream to have that pig and I had never fail to mention to him how much I wanted it, though even I think it’s a waste of money. And finally I got it, not from anyone, but from my bf who never believed in such gifts. What more can a girl ask for?

I have told myself since, everytime when we fought, I will look at Elizabeth ( that’s the name that we christened the piggy, hehe!!!) and remind myself what a wonderful bf I have and hopefully we can resolve our fights after that. One may say, that is a dangerous act, what happen if he changed and that he no longer is the same person? To me, if F no longer feels for me, I would know, but that doesn’t change the fact he was a good bf. I wanted to keep that impression of him forever. A simple, unassuming and straightforward guy; with no expectation whatsoever; all he knew that he loves me, and he will do anything as long it is within his means to make me felt loved. It’s amazing really, an overwhelming feeling that could swept me off my feet. For the first time, I could not decipher neither can I explain why I am weaken by his existence. But I like it very much. ( I know!! I am easy, aren’t I?)

I always thought that in a relationship, if you are willing to contribute and make find means and ways to keep the other happy, your effort shall be reciprocated or at least noticed by the other. Being a Ms. You-you-and-you, I was never the selfish one, but I failed to do one thing; that is to enjoy the relationship. Each time I do something and if F does not shows that he appreciate what I do, I get terribly upset because I already have expectation on him. Somehow rather, I don’t know why most of the things I do, irritates him more often than not. But he knows it’s a loving gesture so he usually let me off with a stern look.

Sadly, F often have to remind me, that it is best to enjoy the relationship. Don’t overdo myself and treat the relationship as though I am running for the Amazing Race. Did I ever listen? Mostly not, that is why I still have fights with him, I guess? :p

It is no doubt the most most challenging part for me to just sit back and enjoy whatever that happens. I can’t picture myself being loved and taken care off. I was a natural leader, therefore I am used to take the lead. But now, it is different. F has shown me, to love a person does not mean you have to splurge on that person all the time; rather the effort you do to try to get something the person wants most, even though it burns a hole in your pocket and you don’t like the idea of it; or taking her to expensive holidays and dinners but rather being there for her when she lock herself out of the car (yes it happened to me :-p) and you missed your best friend Bday party for that; or just taking every opportunity at each escalator you are on, to hug her from the back and whispering “I Love You”(sweet isn’t he?). These are some of the little things F does, though it’s small and seem effortless, it’s all these little things that I seem to only remember most of the time. Really I don’t know why… I don’t think I want to know it anymore. It’s better I just enjoy being pampered in such modesty of love and care.

So ppl, if you have someone you loved and cherish in your life, give them a hug and say thank you for the smallest thing they ever did for you. You will see changes in your life when you start to appreciate every single minicuous thing that is in your life, made possible because you know what it is like to love and to be loved….

Baby, if you ever read this, please don’t be angry because I shared this with the world. You are too beautiful for me to keep it to myself!

Love you always,

Rae

(on behalf of Elizabeth too!!!)

First Entree- To Reality

I was told that blogging actually helps you to relieve tension, promote circulation and even increases chance of libido (some ppl la) and at the same time you can actually reflect on your life. I did tried to blog before but it came out, well lets just say i am not exactly blogger material. Either my blogs are excessively long winded or it does make sense. And it is something that reflect on a skewd side of my life. No wonder no one reads it.. (Haih!)

My mission: Is to get ppl to continuosly read my blog entrees. (Starting with this one)

But how ever I am gonna achieve it le? I am not exactly Kennysia or Karen Cheng... Maybe I shud start looking and reading their blogs.

And what will my blog revolve around? My life and its ironic departure from the norms of life.

Well to begin, I have to do a lil introduction to who I am and what I do. Well basically I am a girl who has all great things going on for her, untill she screwed up her studies and did not manage to get into Uni. Then she spent her whole life lamenting about it, till she realised she just have to accept that life moves on, whether she likes it or not. Her best friend, who has never ace an exam manage to make it through Uni and she stayed back in her lil hometown juggling a 9 to 5 job while trying to study part time.

Many times I looked back and realised that bitterness I felt was from my broken pride. I was too proud and I never knew what hit me till then. But all said and done, it has been 4 years since I left that behind, though admittably I have been struggling to let go since. Well so far the years of working has served my experience boat well, I seen a lot, different people with funny behaviours and characteristics. Some are nice, others are just plain or peculiar (in a good way, of course) and the rest are to be friends for life.

Not forgetting of my series of "male-encounter". Hate to sound like a brag ass, but I do have a list of admirers that ehem* can make Sienna Miller proud!

Of course, on top of that my daily "stale bread". My problems with my mum, work, financials and etc- thus, as the saying goes "God is Fair"; I have my other list that entails the ugly side of my life stories.

Again, one will ask "So why are you blogging for? You are as ordinary as the Ah Lian who lives next door?"

Answer: Yes, I am but I am one hell of a spunky Ah Lian!!! Addition to that, I hope this blog will motivate me to start making inprovement in my life, that is one thing I truly need to be back on track now. I need to have some fun, ppl!!! I need to change, so is my wardrobe... I hate my mundane life cycle and my yo-yo weight gain. I hate the black outfits I have in my closet and I despised the fact I never left Malaysia for nuts! I need to change, so I guess I will start blogging.... Startng from here, to accept the reality and learn to live it within my means.

Perhaps I will be able to fine tune it someday... Gosh I love all this writing and cerita... I felt so nice as though there is someone listening to me... Perhaps someone will reply. (As long if it is not my mum!)

Oh God, here she goes screaming again! Bye.. till next time.